


crushed

by kismetNemesis



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Kissing, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 10:48:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10489158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kismetNemesis/pseuds/kismetNemesis
Summary: Merle needs a date that will impress his ex-wife. Brad has the world's most unfortunate crush.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sacalow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sacalow/gifts).



> This is truly the ship the fandom needs, honestly.
> 
> This is Sam @Sacalow's fault.

“Hey, Chad?”

Brad looked up from his knitting, squinting up at Merle in the midday sun. The dwarf had approached him on the Bureau of Balance quad, where he’d been enjoying his lunch break. Actually, he thought, why the past tense? He was having a _great_ lunch, especially now that he had been joined by a handsome older man.

He’d had a crush on Merle for about as long as he’d known of him. There was something irresistible about him. Maybe it was his heroic status at the Bureau, or the beard. Whatever it was, he could make Brad’s heart rate speed up with a look like the one he was giving him now.

“It’s Brad,” he replied. “But I’m listening, what do you need?”

“I need a favor. We only have to do this once, don’t worry.” Brad raised an eyebrow, then silently scolded himself for reading any flirtatious intent into Merle’s words. That wasn’t very professional, or probably very accurate. “I need you to come to a party with me.”

“When? I’m free, uh, whenever.” Dammit, he’d sounded so eager. 

“You’re not even gonna ask why?”

“Why?”

“I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend. Now, I know that’s a lot to ask-”

“I’ll do it,” said Brad instantly. 

“Oh, nice, guess I can save this bribe money, then.” Merle chuckled to himself. “See, my ex-wife is bringing a fake date to this party, too, and I’m not about to let her outdo me.”

“That’s a little petty,” said Brad, but he was more amused than angry. After all, he’d been watching Merle, and indeed all three of the Bureau’s heroes, from afar for long enough to know that they didn’t pride themselves on kindness or nobility. Magnus, perhaps, was the exception, but Brad would be kidding himself if he didn’t admit that he liked how “grumpy” looked on a lot of people.

“It’s more than a little petty,” Merle corrected him. “I’m going for full-out passive-aggressive.”

“Why me?” asked Brad. “I know you have closer friends...”

“My ex-wife is bringing such a pretty young thing. I gotta bring someone attractive, too.”

“You- you think I’m attractive?” Brad said, hoping he wasn’t blushing too obviously.

“I may be old, but I have _eyes_ ,” said Merle impatiently. “So you’ll do it? This Saturday?”

“It’d be, um, my pleasure.”

“Great. And wear something nice, Mr. Pocket Protector.”

-

Without any kind of real clue as to the dress code of party, Brad opted for a semi-formal kind of look: a button down and nice pants. Not too fancy, not quite casual Friday. 

“Nice,” said Merle approvingly, craning his head up to look Brad up and down. “Unbutton a few buttons for me, though, bud?” Brad opened his mouth to tell Merle off for being inappropriate, but then again they were planetside, and this whole situation was honestly an HR disaster. He was probably going to have to write himself up for this anyway.

“How many?” he asked, cheeks burning. 

“Somewhere between full-on pirate and the stuffy geek look you’ve got going on now. How can you even breathe like that?”

Brad settled on two buttons, not daring to match Merle’s rather generous four. He was wearing a floral shirt, as usual, the perfect marriage of his beachy and natural aesthetics. 

“Are we ready to go in?” Merle nodded, and Brad reached down to hold his hand. “I think our height difference is too great to link arms,” he explained.

“No one links arms anyways,” said Merle, accepting his hand. “This isn’t the fantasy middle school formal.”

They headed into the building, which was a large wooden structure poised precariously on the edge of the ocean. Brad wondered if it had been inspected for safety before he was enveloped in a sea of dwarves, instantly attracting attention for being two feet taller than most of them. 

“Be cool,” hissed Merle. Brad nodded. “Hey, everybody!” Merle yelled, instantly breaking his own instructions. “This is my boyfriend! Rad Radson!”

“It’s Brad, actually,” said Brad. 

“Whatever! He’s hot and young!”

“Mom’s not here yet,” said a small and very bored voice from the vicinity of Brad’s knees. A young dwarf girl with red hair and the beginnings of scraggly facial hair stood with her hands on her hips, gazing at him with possibly the least impressed look he’d ever gotten.

“Hello, who might you be?” he asked.

“He didn’t tell you?” asked the girl, pointing at Merle. “Typical.”

“Oh, Thad, you joker,” laughed Merle nervously. “Of course I’ve told you about Mavis. My daughter?” 

It took Brad far too long to respond, and he was sure Mavis knew something was up, but he couldn’t think of a polite thing to say that wouldn’t blow their cover.

“Oh, I’m sure he’s mentioned you. It’s lovely to meet you. I’m Brad.” He stuck out a hand to shake, which she did.

“Nice to meet you too,” she said, clearly on civility autopilot. “Dad, Mom’s bringing Mookie later, so you can save your showboating for then.”

“I’m not showboating!” insisted Merle. Brad patted him on the shoulder comfortingly.

“You definitely are,” he said. Mavis laughed. “Your dad can be dramatic, huh?”

“That’s an understatement,” she said, but she was smiling a little. Brad felt an immense sense of pride. “I’m gonna go find my cousins,” Mavis continued. “I’ll see you later.”

“Bye, sweetheart!” Mavis rolled her eyes and walked away, leaving Brad to turn to Merle. “I know, I know. I shouldn’t keep them a secret,” said Merle.

“I mean, that’s your prerogative,” said Brad. “It probably should have come up in the mission prep, though.”

Merle didn’t respond, his gaze catching on something behind Brad. Brad started to turn, curious, but Merle grabbed his hand.

“Kiss me,” demanded Merle.

“What?”

“Kiss me. My ex-wife just walked in, and her fake girlfriend is _smokin’_. C’mon, big guy, pucker up.”

Brad puckered up.

He had to lean down further than he’d ever leaned for a kiss before, but it was well worth it. Merle had clearly chewed some kind of minty gum before the event, and this small, considerate detail made Brad melt. He couldn’t resist wrapping his arms around Merle’s waist and lifting him up, deepening the kiss.

“Whoa there, tiger,” Merle giggled as Brad set him down. “That was a doozy.”

“Yeah,” Brad agreed, a little giddy. Sure, it wasn’t under ideal circumstances, but he’d done it. He’d kissed Merle.

“Did Hecuba see?” Merle was already striding into the crowd, leaving Brad to touch his lips silently.

“I saw.” Brad turned to see someone who had to be Hecuba, carrying a small dwarf boy who Brad quickly surmised to be Mookie. She was trailed by a lovely half-elf woman, who looked as uncomfortable as the rest of the party guests.

“How’s that feel?” taunted Merle. “You’re not the only one with some- some- ditzy arm candy!”

“Hey!” said the half-elf, crossing her arms indignantly. 

“You two are adorable,” said Hecuba drily. “How long have you been dating? Five minutes?”

“A month,” said Brad, just as Merle said “Three months!” 

They looked at each other, stricken. Merle drew a finger across his throat grimly.

“I mean, he counts it from the first kiss, and I count it from-”

“It’s fine, Brad. We can’t keep this up much longer,” Merle sighed. “I’m not really dating him. But you’re not really dating _her_ , are you?”

“We are dating!” said the half-elf angrily. “Hecuba, what is _with_ him?”

“He’s the worst,” she sighed.

“Well, at least Brad is cool,” piped up Mavis, drawing everyone’s eyes. “What? He’s the only normal one here!”

“Mavis,” said Hecuba darkly.

“That’s my girl!” said Merle. “High five!”

“Absolutely not,” said Mavis. “I’m going to go read my book in the garden until it’s time to go home!”

“Why are all kids such nerds these days?” Merle wondered. “She reminds me of Agnes.”

“You mean Angus McDonald?”

“Whatever. Let’s get out of here.”

“Yeah, good riddance!” said Hecuba’s girlfriend. “I don’t know what kind of deadbeat dad-”

Brad saw Merle blanch, and grabbed his hand. He lead him back out of the party, expertly dodging bemused dwarves.

He pressed on his bracer as soon as they were outside, hoping Avi would send down a cannonball quickly. 

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

“What’re you sorry for? You did fine. I was the one who ruined everything.” Merle chuckled. 

“Don’t put yourself down like that.”

“Why not? I’m a shit dad. To think I was looking forward to seeing Mavis and Mookie tonight... they deserve someone better.”

“They’ve got _you_ ,” Brad insisted. “And I don’t know. I like you.”

“Thanks, Brad.” 

“That’s the first time you’ve used my actual name all night.”

“Don’t read anything into it, I’m just old.”

When the cannonball arrived, Brad got into the “driver’s” seat, letting Merle right shotgun. They both watched Faerun grow smaller below them. The wistfulness on Merle’s face made Brad want to touch him. Instead, he settled for something nearly as nerve-wracking.

“Merle?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you want to go on a real date sometime?” To Brad’s horror, Merle erupted into surprised laughter.

“You and me? You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“I’m not.”

“Oh, Brad. I’m flattered, but- no. No. Can’t do it. It’s not personal, really. Not a dating part of my life.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry, kid. I’m sure there’s someone out there for you.”

“...thanks.”

Most of the rest of the ride passed in awkward silence. Maybe it had been good he’d said no, Brad tried to rationalize. It would have been a highly inappropriate relationship between coworkers. Clearly, it was just not what fate had in store...

As the cannonball landed, Merle turned to Brad one last time. 

“For what it’s worth, that was the best kiss I’ve had in years,” said Merle. “I’ll see you around, alright?”

“Alright,” Brad replied. Merle clapped him on the arm and was gone.

It _would_ be alright. Brad here were other fish in the sea. If not Merle...

Brad had heard Taako was single.

**Author's Note:**

> Brad is fun to write, and I always forget that! He's got horrible taste.
> 
> Let me know if you liked this!


End file.
